Sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder to myself " What in heavens name are you doing with your life Ashley???" and then a scary thought comes to mind.....I don't know! Life is filled with so many things that are uncertain, So many variables, so many what if's, so many doors that close and windows that open, that sometimes I feel overwhelmed. When I was younger I thought for sure that I would have life all figured out by now. I have had many many many amazing plans for myself and all of them were good things to do but for one reason I would get a gnawing feeling in my gut and then I would down to pray and realize that I needed to be doing something else with my life. I once heard a quote that said " If you want to make God laugh, make plans."
Now I am all for planning and getting things done but I have realized that you can't make something called a detailed life plan, writing down how everything is going to work out, because it never does work out exactly the way you planned and most of the time that is for the best.

Somehow we are led down new paths that we never dreamed we would be on, seeing things we had never dreamed of seeing. A good analogy I heard once is that you are planning a vacation to California and when you  get off the plane your in Canada. You have read everything you ever could read about California and you know it as well as you could without experiencing it but you know nothing about Canada. This happens in our lives a lot. We plan for something and prepare as best as we can and then it turns out to be Canada and not California. It is not that Canada is not a beautiful or amazing place it is just that we were planning for California, but it turns out that God had different plans. I feel like I am constantly going through this cycle and some of you probably feel the same way too. But now that I am in Canada there is really only two choices I could make; mumble and grumble about how things didn't turn out right and be angry or look around for the good, which there will be plenty off, as long as I open my eyes.

Sometimes when I pray I realize I am just asking God to help me. Help me get an "A" in this class, help me get a better job, help me help me help me!!!!Even sometimes when I write in my journal I stop and think Wow Ashley, you are really self centered! Maybe you should think about others for a change. I am still not perfect at it but I do try now to think of others more even when I pray. Help me get an "A" in this class so I may be able to help others, help me to have more patience with my job so I am not such a pain for other people to be around, help me help others.  I once had an institute teacher tell us " Become the best at whatever you are going to become so you  can testify to others that he lives." he then looked at me "Become the best teacher you can become so that you can testify to other teachers that Jesus is the Christ."

I have thought about this a lot lately and I have decided Why should I wait to do this until I actually have a job in my career? Why can't I be the best student I can be to testify that he lives? Or the best friend to others that I can be to testify to them that he lives? Everyone can do this no matter where they are in their lives. No matter how dull and boring you think your job is or if you have absolutely no idea what you are doing with your life.

A couple of days ago I applied for graduation. After doing so I came home and promptly started freaking out! I have no idea what I am doing? I mean I think i know what I would like to do but is that really the best decision? Is that really what I want. What happens if I hate it? What happens if I was wrong? On and on the questions ran through my mind, I was so scared I could feel my heartbeat speed up. I laid down on my bed wrapping myself up tightly in a blanket and then hiding under it like a little kid. It didn't help. So I promplty go up and then started pacing around. I need to go to the Temple. I need to go to the Temple right now! So I started to walk to the Temple. All the while thinking of everything thing that I needed to decide upon, my heart going a million miles per hour. I had only gone  a couple of blocks when I ran into a friend. I always love seeing this friend, she is always so happy and cheerful and bright! But today I didn't want to talk to her, I didn't want her to know how badly I was freaking out but I couldn't avoid talking to her. As she chatted happily to me about life, I tried to hide my anxiety, and it worked really well. Soon without even realizing it I wasn't thinking about all of those scary thoughts flying through my head making me want to puke, I was just listening. We didn't talk for all that long and soon she was on her way. After she left I realized I wasn't scared anymore. I wasn't panicking. How could that be? Nothing extraordinary had happened. I felt perfectly fine and normal whereas minutes before I couldn't even think straight.

But that is the thing isn't it. God sends miracles in the smallest of ways, even if it is just a friendly face and a happy smile, but that is all it took. It is crazy to me that something so small basically banished all of my panic. Something normal.

We truly never know how are actions or the way we treat people will affect those around us. That is why it is so important to be kind.  I don't know how life will work out for me or for anyone else for that matter, but it doesn't matter because I know that God knows how it will all work out and as long as I trust in him everything will be ok!